The Illusion of Control & the Shift to Agency
Question the underlying myth and propaganda under "do-it-yourself" culture.
Do you have control of your life? Are you trying to get your life under control through strict formulas or books and courses that promise “guaranteed results”?
How, when, and who told you that your life is under your direct control?
Did it start with a parent, who told you you could be anything you want to be? A coach who motivated you by saying that winners never quit and quitters never win? A boss who continually reminded you that hey, if you just hustle, grind, and take that 5% raise each year, the corner office will one day be yours?
There are many phrases and ideas that spring from this myth: the “self-made man,” “rugged individualism,” “rags to riches”, “DIY”, and other such us-against-the-world, solitary visions of what life is supposed to be like in the West.
At first, these ideas sounded empowering. They made us feel important. They hooked us all. And sometimes, they seemed to work.
But there was a hidden catch: if success is wholly self-made, then failure must be too, right?
Didn’t get the promotion? You didn’t want it bad enough.
Struggling with health, relationships, or purpose? Try harder. Manifest harder. But whatever you do, do not stop.
We have been taught to double down, triple down, and buckle down.
And then, when things don’t work out, we have no one to blame but ourselves - leading to a culture of shame, inadequacy, and negative self-image.
But what if this idea of personal control is nothing but a myth? What if the idea of having personal control over the outcomes in our lives is not only false but one of the most painful illusions we’ve been sold— one that leaves us anxious, ashamed, and stuck?
Yes, effort matters. Intention counts. Hard work is important. There’s always a little bit of truth inside any myth—that’s why it works so well.
But when we swallow it wholesale, when we never stop to question it, it becomes a beast of burden, not a means to freedom.
IT’S NOT ALL ABOUT US
Let’s say you’re driving and hit a roadblock. You didn’t put it there. You can’t move it. You can’t go straight. You’ve got choices—you can rage at the sky, take the detour, or try another day—but pretending the roadblock isn’t real, or assuming it was put there as some kind of personal punishment are not practical responses.
Worse - it blinds us to the larger forces that really do live behind the road block—structural inequalities, systemic biases, structural barriers, and other possible reasons why things didn’t work out as we expected. Some things cannot be fixed with vision boards and positive affirmations. Sometimes, we have to get deeper into the invisible yet powerful forces behind the scenes.
When we cling to the illusion that we should be able to overcome everything through sheer will, we reinforce another illusion—the illusion of separation. That we’re somehow not impacted by the world around us. That what happens “out there” shouldn’t affect us. That we should rise above it all, as if we aren’t part of a larger whole.
The myth of total control keeps us trapped in isolation, measuring ourselves against impossible standards and missing the deeper truth: We’re not separate. We are not in full control of the outcomes in our lives. And we never were.
But that doesn’t mean we’re powerless.
AGENCY VS CONTROL
There’s a difference between demanding control and taking personal agency.
Control is that tight, white-knuckled grip—trying to hold on to every outcome, every possibility, every "should." It’s exhausting.
Agency is something else entirely. Agency is open-handed. It’s about showing up fully, taking aligned action, and then trusting the river of life to carry you forward. Agency lives in the soul. Control comes from the ego.
Agency says: You have the right to your actions, not the outcomes. (That’s the core teaching of the Bhagavad Gita—an ancient spiritual text that understood this long before self-help was a thing.)
When we move from control to agency, something shifts. We start to play more. Not just with our work but with our identities. We become more open to change, more curious about where life is leading us, and less attached to the timeline we thought we were supposed to follow.
We stop hustling for worthiness and start co-creating with life.
This shift also changes how we relate to others. We move from competition to collaboration. From isolation to community. From “me vs. the world” to “we’re all in this together.”
And that’s where real power lives—not in control, but in connection.
So today, I invite you to get curious. What myths are you still clinging to? Where have you been taught to white-knuckle your way through life?
What might open up for you if you traded control for agency?
Who would I be if I stopped believing that I had to control it all?
That’s where your real freedom begins.
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