Now That Katie Couric Has Said it, Can We All Stop Faking it Already?

Sometimes it only makes sense when a celebrity says it

There’s this regular routine that happens in my personal life: I give my husband advice when he asks for it. Generally, it’s on a topic that I know more than he does.

So, for example, he’ll be complaining about something, say, to do with his diet or sleep, and I will offer him Ayurvedic tips to help him eat better, sleep better, or whatever else he’s looking for. I offer him Ayurvedic advice not because I read about it once, but because I study, practice, and offer consultations to paying clients in this field. In other words, I feel justified in giving advice.

He takes it in, nods, agrees it sounds interesting, and continues to follow his usual routine.

Rinse and repeat the complaint/advice-giving cycle several times. No avail.

Then, one day, a few weeks later, he’ll come home with a great story to tell me about a conversation he had with one of his golfing or work buddies. He’ll proceed to tell me about this great idea about diet or wellbeing.

Surprise: it’s essentially the same advice I’ve already given him, but, it seems, wrapped up and presented by someone other than me (and without the Ayurveda label).

For some people, it’s not the message that sinks in, but the mouthpiece that gives the message. (Or, perhaps, it’s just the 50th time he’s heard the same thing and there’s a tipping point factored in.)

Now, I see this same phenomenon happening in another area of my life: my spiritual life. Ever since I started taking yoga classes in 2002, there’s been a consistent “positive vibes only” attitude that pervades all of them. And some of us in the spiritual community have been screaming about not only how this is not what a true spiritual path looks like, but how dangerous it can be to force people to be happy when they’re not, or spend all their time “manifesting” rather than doing the hard work it takes to change your life.

But hey, Katie Couric has now spoken out about the downsides of “toxic positivity,” so probably, people will listen now. I mean, she’s a journalist, not a spiritual teacher, but perhaps because of her notoriety, her message will get through?

I don’t mean any slight against Katie personally. Her essay was brilliant and important and I was thrilled to see it. She pointed out the truths about this attitude that has us always off seeking silver linings and bright sides when what we need to do is sit with loss, feel pain, explore what it means to die. And my heart truly goes out to her and her loss.

But also, a lot of us have been talking about the dangers of toxic positivity for a long time now, and we’ve watched it fall on a lot of deaf ears.

However, instead of bemoaning all the times I’ve banged my head against the wall trying to get people to experience their whole humanity, not just the happy half, I’ll slide into this opening Katie created and say again for the people who might now be listening: If we never let ourselves feel scared, sad, frightened, angry, jealous, or lonely, then we are missing the lessons that these human emotions are meant to teach. Furthermore, when we stop feeling our emotions, we create a rift between our bodies and our minds. As that rift grows, we become fragmented, compartmentalized — anything but the wholeness we desire.

It’s always amazed me as a leader in the spiritual world how many teachers speak about authenticity and truth on one hand, while subtly encouraging students to “pretend” their way to enlightenment, peace, riches, fame, or whatever else they dream of. I think we’re scared that if we let go, and sink into the depths of our humanity, we won’t be able to come back.

But in my life, I have experienced multiple Dark Nights of the Soul, and can testify to the fact that there is a way back, and, moreover, that once you get back, you appreciate all of life’s gifts so much more.

I’ve also seen this same thing happen in two of the people closest to me: my daughters. As a parent, you always want to see your children succeed and get what they want. But both of mine have experienced hardships and situations that are outsized to their young ages.

However, what I also see is that when my daughters do get wins now, they are over the moon and so appreciative. They don’t expect anything anymore; they know what it feels like to get rejected, passed over, or kicked out. Life has humbled them, and they’ve gone into these dark places and done good work to find out who they really are and what they really want.

It’s made them better, more whole humans, just as my experiences in the darker places have made me a better, more whole human. Don’t we all want to be better, more whole humans? If so, we’ve got to stop with the positive vibes only, silver lining, rose-colored classes. The truth is that life is about duality, and we can’t understand one if we won’t experience its opposite.

• Hope doesn’t come from the clouds, it comes from understanding the feelings of despair.

• Happiness is not an absence of pain, it’s an experience that comes as we heal from pain.

• True joy is not a pasted-on smiley face, it’s a gift that arrives when we’ve first accepted fear, anger, guilt, and shame as parts of our lives.

• Life cannot be fully experienced and appreciated until we recognize where it exists in the larger cycle of birth, death, and rebirth.

So again, I’m truly grateful for Katie’s essay, and I hope it reaches all the people who have heard the dangers of toxic positivity but haven’t quite taken it in. Now, if only I can get my husband to take my advice before he needs to hear it from someone else who’s not me.