A Full Circle Moment Born Out of a Painful Ending

How listening to my intuition transformed and rebirthed me

Mar 05, 2022

The story began…

…in 2013, when I built an Ayurvedic practice, called Elements Ayurveda. Sigh, I still love that name.

This was the culmination of three years of intense study, a six-month internship under direct supervision, and good old-fashioned Midwest resolve and determination.

It ended in 2015, when I closed Elements Ayurveda for good.

This wasn’t because I wasn’t successful; I was actually doing quite well and continuing to draw new clients every month. Plus, I was hosting workshops, offering Ayurvedic bodywork, and had even invested in a Shirodhara machine (a special Ayurvedic treatment where a steady stream of oil is poured onto the third eye—an extraordinarily peaceful experience).

I had a beautiful space within walking distance from my house, a sign on the door, a private mailbox, and a love of the practice.

Really, it was amazing. Here is a picture of my amazing office:

But, despite my studies, and no matter my determination, I couldn’t dismiss the message from my body that, after just a couple of years, it was time to close up shop.

I wrote more about this decision, here, but suffice it to say that one cannot offer advice to others on taking care of themselves and listening to their body while their own body is covered in burning, itching hives without feeling like a hypocrite.

I was scared to leave.

Leaving this practice, I faced a void of darkness in which I could see no professional future for myself. I felt kicked out, unwanted by the universe itself. Were my talents not good enough? Was I not enough?

I had second thoughts.

So, I went to see a psychic to ask her for advice on how to navigate the darkness before me, and she told me that I should get back to my business, pronto, because all I was really doing was reacting to internalized fear of “the man” and that I needed to get over that.

But suddenly, my intuition kicked in and told me that, psychic or not, she was dead wrong.

When I talk about a void, I don’t mean that I didn’t have a personal life to engage with. I had a marriage that, like most marriages, could always do with a bit more attentiveness and care. And, I had two teenage daughters that needed a mom around more than they thought they did.

So, once I left my practice, I focused primarily on my family and my health. Within just a couple of months, I completely rid my body of the hives that had plagued me for so long. I have never had them since.

It didn’t take long for the void in front of me to start taking shape. Lots of different shapes.

Here are just some of the things I did since closed my practice and, I believe now, could’ve only have been done as wholeheartedly because I closed it:

I became a dance mom.
When I was busy running my practice, I primarily focused on just dropping my girls off at dance class and picking them up after. But, once I had more time on my hands, I decided to get to know the other moms, start volunteering to help out where I could, and in other ways become invested. I even wore the title of Team Coordinator once or twice!
I took a 3-week solo pilgrimage to Myanmar.
This was an incredible experience which I’ve written much more about here. But suffice it to say: this was a hugely humbling and intimate experience where I learned about courage, vulnerability, trust, friendship, and privilege — especially the white kind.
I wrote and self-published my first book, “Embodying Soul: A Return to Wholeness”.
I started writing passages in 2014, but it took until Valentine’s Day, 2020, to actually have a published book. Six years of learning, growing, writing, re-rewriting, taking classes, and all the rest. I decided if I was going to do this, I was going to do it all myself, and learn as much as I could. But get this: I’ve learned so much that this month, I’m giving a presentation on publishing at a Writers’ Fair!
I spent lots of extra time caring for our aging dogs.
By the time we had to say goodbye in 2020 and 2021, I was able to do so knowing that I’d given them the very best of me, especially in their last years.
I healed my body.
I had had much success with the Ayurvedic diet and lifestyle, but I’d always been a bit of my own guinea pig—trying anything and everything. Once I only had myself to be concerned with, I was able to dial into what my body really needed to be in balance.
I studied alchemy.
Over quarantine, I felt the desire to be a student again. I initially got attracted to alchemy through a course I was taking in which it was just a small mention, but it grabbed hold of me. I went to my local New Age bookstore and bought them clean out of their alchemy books. And then, bought herbs and made tinctures and elixirs by following the alchemical transformation process. It was thrilling.
I took a freelance job.
Back in October of 2021, I felt an itch to work for someone else as a freelance writer, just to see what that was like. I spent the last five months crafting pitches, writing articles, and all other types of copywriting and query work for someone else. As an entrepreneur since 2003, it was strange, but it was all in all a good experience for me.

That was then, and this is now

As the year turned from 2021 to 2022, something turned inside me, too: it was time to re-open my practice. There could’ve been a lightbulb over my head for how obvious this was.

My girls are grown up and have moved out of the house.
I don’t feel the need for any more solo pilgrimages, save the short trips I take to visit Mother Superior once or twice a year.
My dogs are (sadly) gone.
My body has found its happy balance place.
I’ve learned all I can learn through my freelance work, and have put in my notice.

It’s worth repeating: When I left, I never imagined going back. When I packed up my stuff, I thought I was saying goodbye to Ayurveda forever.

Never say never when the universe is involved.

It’s the same…and yet there are key differences. Last time, I depended on the Ayurveda to support my reputation and used it as a shield between my clients and me.

Not this time. This time, Ayurveda will be a part of what I do, but it will be supplemented by my work with alchemy as well as all of the things I learned about myself over these years. I am eight years older than I was the first time around. I’m back to where I started—a true full-circle journey—and yet I’m a completely different person now than I was then: more grounded, wiser, and whole.

And now, I feel truly ready to support others in their transformational journeys, too. No hypocrisy, no second-guessing, no fear.

The moral of the story

This is moral number 1:

Sometimes, when the universe calls you away from what you think you want or need the most, it’s not because you’re not loved or wanted by the universe. You haven’t been kicked out. And the void really isn’t that scary—I can say that firsthand.

Rather, the void is an adventure of the soul, one in which you get to unpack yourself in order to learn and connect to a depth within you that wasn’t previously accessible—a part of you that would’ve stayed hidden if you’d forced yourself onward.

This is moral number 2:

Trust the lifecycles of your creations, your work life, your career, your relationships. Contrary to what we’re often told, life is not a straight or upward line, but a series of circles, each spiraling and folding into the next, just like the ouroboros.

Cheers to the full circles of life! 🥂

The Power Source

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